It's almost over...

It was so hard to fight back the tears today when I was talking to Zen on the phone. Actually I did a horrible job. As I talked to zen the tears ran down my face. However my voice sounded fine. No shake or quiver. I hope he didn't hear my tears through the phone. I talked to Wednesday. She sounded happy. Why wouldn't she be it's her birthday! I just want to reach through the phone and hug them. I wonder what they are thinking. How they feel. It sounds as if though Wednesday is doing ok. She is finally getting the attention that she never got from her father. When I talk to Zen, I can hear his unhappiness. Zen told me that for lent he is giving up being mean to Wednesday and his step-brother. MEAN! I know that my son is a typical big brother to Wednesday, but it sounds like lately he is going out of his way to be mean. That is not like Zen. What can I do. I have to wait until Monday. Oh I am praying, I mean really praying that everything works out good. That my babies will be home safe with me. I've questioned myself through this whole ordeal...Am I really a good mother? Did I appreciate my children enough? Am I a selfish person? What can I do better? I suppose these are questions that every parent ask them self's. When can I not question my parenting skills. You know, I knew deep down in my soul, that when I waved good-bye to Zen and Wednesday as they walked into the plane that that was the last time I was going to see them for a long while. Every day that they were gone for Christmas Vacation with their father, I had a nagging feeling deep in my gut that something was wrong. And as the days grew closer to the date for Zen and Wednesday to continue their every day life's I got that horrible text..."we need to talk". I knew that the kids were fine, but nothing good could come from this conversation. My heart dropped, my ear's burned, and I was trying not to hold my breath and push the baby out from inside of me. "The kids are staying with me". Every thing just stopped. When I hung up the phone, I vomited in the kitchen sink and my husband said for me to please stop. How could I stop? My children were were thousands of miles away. States away! Just away. I couldn't just go and drive and pick them up. We'll actually I did drive but it took two days and I'm going on a month to finally finish this and have a judge say were the kids should be. That is insane to me. I actually have to prove to a complete stranger who has never known me, my x-husband, or my children. It's come to this. We have to have a stranger make a decision about our life. About our future. This is sad. I did not have a judge while I made them, or got up night after night to breast feed them. I needed no educated law person to tell me when to give them love and care and when to say, "no you can't have that". Or "you need to do your homework". No Judge was here when I had to shell out countless amounts of money on anything the kids needed or wanted, from birth on. I had no judge to tell me that moving to a completely different state was the safest for me, Zen, and Wednesday. ..and now here we are, "please tell me that I am the better parent, please". It's almost over. Just a little bit longer. Only one more week without Zen and Wednesday. Just one more week with out Enso. Just one more week that Ramon will have to be alone with out his wife and children. It's almost over. God give me strength.