a bird indoos is good luck right?

I'm at the airport and thank goodness for the invention of Black Berry. This has been the smoothest check-in in a long time. No lines, and I wasn't "randomly selected". I did start feeling my eyes tear up when I started to think about Enso. I miss him already. He's in good hand. Many hands. Were boarding the plan now, I got my water. Ready to go......When I started typing this it was the present, now it is the past. I've been home now for one full month. We've all been home! this is a good thing, it's a really good thing! How like most of my writings I will go back and forth...past and present...I will inform you.

So back to the day I flew back to Nevada from Texas. I went home for one week. That week went by so fast. Doctors appointments, bills, house, spending time with the husband,attempting to hang out with the girlfriends, trying to keep it together and not cry when ever I thought about the kids, and getting reading to fly back to Las Vegas. Zoom, the week went by and I had to say good by to my husband and my baby. I knew that I was not going to loose my baby Enso and I my husband was by my side, but just the fact that I had to leave him killed me. I had to leave my son in Texas to attempt to get my older son and daughter in Las Vegas. I felt so alone.
However, like I said it was the smoothest check at the airport that I ever had. Although I terribly missed my Enso, it was a little bit easier to check in with out having to hold Enso on one hip, trying to take off our shoes and jackets, and what every ridiculous request the airport request. I also didn't have any stairs of pity or annoyance having a small child with me on the airplane. It kinda felt weird, to be honest. I made a decision to just soak in the quite time. When do I ever get it and when will I every get again. I bought my self an over priced cross word puzzle book. I believe it was called My Posh Cross Word Puzzle. It was very pretty and bright, and it made me feel good. So yes I spent 10 bucks on a cross word puzzle book. I loaded the plan and tried to go to sleep. Didn't happen. I stopped in Denver, reloaded the plan to take me to Las Vegas, which I like to call the Devil for right now. I had to sit between two skanks. Yes I said skanks. They just reminded me of the kids step mother, with their "I know huhs" and "Stuuuuupid" East L.A talk. And all I kept thinking about this trash is around my kids. Alas we landed and I entered Las Vegas Airport for the first time ever. Holy crap was I ever confused. I felt like a country pumkin that just landed into the big city. I just say people and lights and sex and alcohol and more sex and sex and sex. It was on all the billboards on the way down the escalators and out the doors. I walked out side with my one little carry on and smelled the night air, filled with freshness, sweat, and . I remembered I closed my eyes and took a secret deep breath just to see if I could get a taste of the nicotine that I gave up a year and half ago and during the whole ordeal with Carlos wanted to take a drag so very bad.
I made it. I made it in one piece, and I was ready to take on Carlos in court.

coming out with her fingers up.

That's it I'm convinced my baby Tallulah is going to come out of my womb waving her middle finger in air. Telling every one to fuck off. She's going to say screw you every one for making my 9 months so freak'n stressful and hectic. With everything that is going on right now, I can keep my raw emotions in from the outside. Usually they are kept in analyzed and rationalized. And after the crying has stopped internally I can talk about it with my loved ones. However, how am I suppose to hide my feelings from the baby growing inside me. Her main existence at this point is depended on me and how I take care of my self. Eating, sleeping, feeling, etc. I'm not a doctor but I do know that stress and depression is hormones that are in my body and wither I show them or not they effect me internally. And of course somehow affecting Tallulah. Goodness!
I stayed up last night on the computer and looking through calenders and legal paper work. Scanning and emailing documents and rebuttals to my attorney. Not the way I wanted to spend the night with my husband and son before I have to fly into battle. Instead of spending the night holding Enso watching reruns of Yo Gabba Gabba, he walked around the house in a diaper way past his bed time getting into every thing! And instead of laying in bed snuggling with my husband, I tossed and turned thinking to my self, "God did I leave anything out"? Oh and not to mention the massive heart burn and little feet kicking my ribs. I actually think Tallulah got her finger and poked the side of my stomach enough to make me gasp to tell me to go to bed. I don't know. That's what it felt like. Well here I am Saturday morning, emailing the last of it to my attorney. Tomorrow is the day. And I am prepared as I will ever be.

On a side note, it was pointed out to me yesterday by my best friend a few grammar error. Yes it's true. Pregnancy has gotten the best of me. And I promise you it will only get worst with lack of sleep. So my http will for ever be morethanpasingthetime.blog spot. When it should have been more then passing the time. Oh well.

It's almost over...

It was so hard to fight back the tears today when I was talking to Zen on the phone. Actually I did a horrible job. As I talked to zen the tears ran down my face. However my voice sounded fine. No shake or quiver. I hope he didn't hear my tears through the phone. I talked to Wednesday. She sounded happy. Why wouldn't she be it's her birthday! I just want to reach through the phone and hug them. I wonder what they are thinking. How they feel. It sounds as if though Wednesday is doing ok. She is finally getting the attention that she never got from her father. When I talk to Zen, I can hear his unhappiness. Zen told me that for lent he is giving up being mean to Wednesday and his step-brother. MEAN! I know that my son is a typical big brother to Wednesday, but it sounds like lately he is going out of his way to be mean. That is not like Zen. What can I do. I have to wait until Monday. Oh I am praying, I mean really praying that everything works out good. That my babies will be home safe with me. I've questioned myself through this whole ordeal...Am I really a good mother? Did I appreciate my children enough? Am I a selfish person? What can I do better? I suppose these are questions that every parent ask them self's. When can I not question my parenting skills. You know, I knew deep down in my soul, that when I waved good-bye to Zen and Wednesday as they walked into the plane that that was the last time I was going to see them for a long while. Every day that they were gone for Christmas Vacation with their father, I had a nagging feeling deep in my gut that something was wrong. And as the days grew closer to the date for Zen and Wednesday to continue their every day life's I got that horrible text..."we need to talk". I knew that the kids were fine, but nothing good could come from this conversation. My heart dropped, my ear's burned, and I was trying not to hold my breath and push the baby out from inside of me. "The kids are staying with me". Every thing just stopped. When I hung up the phone, I vomited in the kitchen sink and my husband said for me to please stop. How could I stop? My children were were thousands of miles away. States away! Just away. I couldn't just go and drive and pick them up. We'll actually I did drive but it took two days and I'm going on a month to finally finish this and have a judge say were the kids should be. That is insane to me. I actually have to prove to a complete stranger who has never known me, my x-husband, or my children. It's come to this. We have to have a stranger make a decision about our life. About our future. This is sad. I did not have a judge while I made them, or got up night after night to breast feed them. I needed no educated law person to tell me when to give them love and care and when to say, "no you can't have that". Or "you need to do your homework". No Judge was here when I had to shell out countless amounts of money on anything the kids needed or wanted, from birth on. I had no judge to tell me that moving to a completely different state was the safest for me, Zen, and Wednesday. ..and now here we are, "please tell me that I am the better parent, please". It's almost over. Just a little bit longer. Only one more week without Zen and Wednesday. Just one more week with out Enso. Just one more week that Ramon will have to be alone with out his wife and children. It's almost over. God give me strength.

Today is my daughters Birthday. I would most likely be happy. But not today. She is not with me. First let me tell you how I would have woken her up today. The same way I've done for the past 8 years. My daughter was born at 12:03 am on a Monday. I went into labor with 4 days after Ash Wednesday. I didn't know it at the time but maybe that is why I named her Wednesday.

If Wednesday was home I would go into her room at 12:03am and sing happy birthday to her. I would tell her the story on how she was born. I would tell her that it was a rainy day and I went walking for what seemed forever around our block because I knew something was happening inside of me. I would leave out that her father did not want to go walking with me because he was playing playstation. I would tell her that it was a cool day with mist. I would tell her how we went to Target to make sure her brother Zen had enough snacks and a special DVD so he would be entertained when I was in labor. I would tell her that I sneaked in a few bites of a Hawaiian Hamburger when I knew I wasn't suppose to eat anything. I would tell her about the labor, about how I was told as a joke to hit her dad. And I actually did. I wouldn't tell her about how good that felt. I would tell her how the student Doctor didn't believe me that her head was coming out and told me to grunt while he stood with his back against the wall pail as the sheets I didn't pee on. I would tell her that she came out of me so pink and plumb and how I felt when the doctors put her naked chubby body on my chest. I would tell her that she woke up every hour that first day in the hospital to eat and when she cried it sounded like a little squeak. I would end her story with a hug and a kiss and put her back to bed.

Out of all the years that I have been Wednesday's mother this year, her 8th birthday will be the first year I won't be able to do that. I will have to cross my fingers and hope that her dad answers the phone and feels just so to let me talk to her. This is one of the worst and helpless feelings I have felt in a long time.

My Children have not been with me for the past two months. I feel so empty. Everyday is a internal struggle not to lose it. I have a 19th month old and I am 32 weeks pregnant. I have a husband AND I have to be strong enough and calm enough to fly to NV to go to court to fight for my two older children to come home. It hasn't been easy. I can say this much this might be that last time I send my children to visit in another state for Christmas. They may never come back. I know....I know... I'm leaving two months of "What the hell happened". I'll get back to that. For now I have to become queen of denial and mama of Enso my 19th month old energy taker.
So until next time.....