October 2009

clock is ticking

Enso is finally a sleep, well kinda of....I decided to take some time before I am off to to the same place and doing the same thing I was doing this time yesterday. Their are two things that are constantly going through my mind lately. 1. What's wrong with me and 2. I need to snap out of it and get myself and things into order by the time our new baby comes long. The last thing I need is to be unorganized, wound up, and unhappy when our little number four comes along. A very huge goal of mine is not to fall into a depression like I did with Enso. I admit, I had shame and a sense of failure admitting that I was or might be depressed, but I kinda got over that. Just a little. I'm have a small nugget of guilt, fear, and shame about the whole thing... but really what was their to ashamed about. I ask my self always and sometimes I have the answer and other times I don't... And just to let you know, NO... Enso is no longer half a sleep. Instead he is ripping an old book I had on my dresser. And I will will let him do that. Reasons being I've read the Yaya sister hood several different times and I always feel the same after reading it. Also he is using is fine motor skills, and were gonna see how well his digestive track works if by chance he ate a piece of chapter 27. Big reason is it's gonna give me about 15 minutes of quiet.

I need to be positive. Do something that makes me feel validated. Out side of cooking and cleaning. (Don't like cooking....I really don't even like to eat. Unless well I'm starving then I'll of course stuff my face. But I want to set a good example for Zen and Wednesday, and of course Enso. But he has no trouble eating anything. I'm giving my self one week to snap out of this....let's call it funk. Shake some things up. Make myself happy. Add some color. Like my chaos. Find that bright side to every thing. And most of all make time to leave my house. If your not careful it can consume you.