Last weekend my husband got plastered. and thank gwad no one reads my post and most importantly my in-laws don't even know that I have one. IF they did of course somehow they would get upset with me.. as in face book. What ever I post becomes so damn important, and instead of asking me about a "post" it has to be talk amongst then my husband has to be interrogated....instead of just asking me. YES.......I'm going back to school! ugh.....this is so childish.

my mother

I was looking through some of my older writings and this is what I came across.

10/26/2006
My mother sat outside on her mother's porch. In the dark. In the night. Smoking a cigarette. Then another. Then another. Smoking staring in the sky.

I sat next to her to smell the leather from her jacket, the cheap make-up on her face, and the cigarette in her hand. I took it all in. Who knew I would be setting my self up for second hand lung cancer or a lifetime of smoking cigarette's.

I sat next to her to see the smoke float from her hand and her mouth and her noise. It looked like hand writing. The thoughts from her mind hand written with her exhaled smoke. Then disappeared in the air. Much like everything else she did or said. They just went away. I never did get those shinny tap shoes.

I sat next her. I wasn't noticed.

I sit in my patio. In the night. In the dark. smoking my cigarette. Just like my mother did. I don't smell like leather or make-up. And I couldn't bare for my daughter to sit next to smoke, being hypnotized by my handwriting. Being unnoticed.

Yet, still I sit alone in the night in the dark. smoking like my mother did. Still watching the handwriting disappear in the sky.

Dear Talulah

Dear Talulah,

I am sorry that you dealt with stress last night. I wish you were born so I could hold you and put you in your bassinet if there was any loud noise in our house. I hope that as you and your sister get older, we never have the relationship that my mother and I have or my aunt and her daughter have for that moment. I promise to always to try to understand you and what you are going through. And just know that even if you feel like I don't understand what your going through or where your coming from...trust me I know. I love you more then you will ever know. You are my daughter. I will always love you.

Mom

I'm just a home for Talulah

Day Gazillion and four. Translation, eight days passed my due date. I truly have to say I hate being pregnant right now. And I really don't care what any one else has to say about that. My kids are driving me crazy, the oldest to the youngest. My husband, my mother, cousin....and even the dog are driving me crazy. Right now in our three bed room house we have our family, which consist of My husband, Ramon, my self, evil pregnant lady, Zen, our oldest son, Wednesday, who will be our oldest daughter as soon as Talulah decides to come out, Enso, our youngest son, and Wasabi, our very horny dog who is constantly licking him self and humping the stuff animals. In addition to us we have my cousin aka niece living with us, and my mother is visiting for a month from Utah. Little info on that, it was suppose to be a week!

I believe I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. My baby, Talulah... is in position, her head is down and her butt is up...and her cute little feet or some part of her body are stuck in my ribs or hips. I feel immobile. I can not drive any where. It's to uncomfortable, so it's not safe. I defiantly can't drive leaning like a cholo. I feel like a oopa loopa. REALLY! I am 5 foot 1 and all this weight is.....well weighing me down. I am out of breath just walking down the street. I am having irregular contractions. But man, weeks of contractions is tiring. and YES I know the difference between Braxton Hicks!

Not to mention my family. I am constantly being yelled at to rest. Ya, that's real calming. Also I have the pressure of giving birth. I have my husband home for the rest of the week, after Friday he goes back to work and won't be home or able to be their with me when the time comes to deliver. My mom is leaving back to Utah Wednesday my grandmother comes in Tuesday and someone has to stay with the kiddo's while I'm in labor. Plus all the friends I have who were not working when I first got pregnant, now all have jobs. First I thought I could give birth all by my self. However the closer the time gets (or not) I'm getting anxious and scared to be by my self. I never thought I would be afraid to do this by myself. I've given birth three times before. I really don't want to be alone during labor. I was alone a lot during this pregnancy.

My mom asked me when I thought the baby is coming. I had to tell her honestly I really don't know. She just cried. "The baby is not coming out because of me". That's what she said. Every one around me is an emotional wreck and I have to be the calm during the storm to keep them all together, when all I really want to do is sit in my room and cry until Talulah come out.

This one is a mommy Blog.

I was looking around my house for my journal that had written in while I was away in Nevada. Goodness that felt like an eternity. I was so sad. Then towards the end I was angry. Which I feel was a good emotion to have. It gave me the strength that I needed to bring the kids back. And not get intimidated by Carlos. I never understood why it bothered me so much when ever Carlos attacked my parenting skills. Once he said that I should comb Wednesday's hair better. He mentioned that the girl he was dating at the time always had her daughter's here up in a pony tail an her shoes where always clean. God, it bothered me. I hung up the phone, laid in the bed and cried. It wasn't until the next day that I realized that the kids had been with him for two days, and that I had sent them clean and "combed". At the time Carlos was around his girlfriend, he was the one responsible for Wednesday. Yet I allowed him to in so many words call me a bad mom. Now Wednesday is back home, and she still hates for me to touch her hair. She's told me that her dad combs her hair better. Someday I'm going to make a movie about daughters and brushing their hair. And yes their is definitely gonna be a scene where the mom goes ballistic and maybe a few broken mirrors and toilet. The audience will realize that the mom was just imagining all this in her head.. Don't worry folks CPS will not be called during filming. Lately my daughter has been on a role. If I so much as brush my arm against her in the morning she yell's "YOUR HURTING ME....STOP HURTING ME". I had my hands on her shoulders guiding her to the restroom to get ready for school. I couldn't believe that she yelled, "DON'T PUSH ME"! What the hell!!!! The "what the hell" is from me. I just don't understand it. Is it because the baby is due any minute. Is it because we have guest in the house. Which by the way is my mother and OMG she likes to butt in when she shouldn't. I wonder if Wednesday misses her dad. When they first came home from there father's he called every other day. Now he calls once a week. And to top it off he talks longer to her brother. I do know that she wants all my time to her self. The one thing that I worry about being a mother of more then one child is that I am not giving my attention equally to all of my children.
I was thinking the other day. I consider my self a nice person. I follow the rules and I functioning part of society. I hardly cuss out loud. I volunteer, I don't beat or starve my children. I am still a child of abuse,neglect, and more abuse. Despite all of that I always strive to be good human being.......what I'm trying to say is that my children have never had the childhood that I have had. I have made sure of that and at times they treat me like dirt. I don't have the heart to tell them how lucky they are to have parents who love them and that when they come home they are safe. Have I over compensated for my short comings in life with my children? And had it back fired? Or am I reading to much into this and my daughter is just acting like a daughter or better said a BRAT!

The most hideous thing's about being "very" pregnant.

1. Constant emails, text, and phone calls to see if the baby has been born yet.
It's like I'm a ticking time bomb with people waiting for Gold to come crowning
my birth canal. Really, I don't even know the exact moment I conceived the
little darling. So please don't ask me daily if "she's here yet"?

2. If I don't call you right after my weekly doctor appointments...
Please don't freak out! I have to drive from the office to home and most likely
pee. And by that time I have completely forgotten to call/txt any one. I almost
wanna say....don't call me....I'll call you.

3. Waiting at the check out stand at the grocery store and having a "kid" tell you,
"wow you look like your like 10 months pregnant, wow", and I don't think
need explain more, other then...how aged do I feel that I just referred to the
check out guy as a "kid".

4. Their is nothing worse then to be told, "your tired".
I know I'm tired. Please don't constantly tell me the obvious, and force me to
rest. Because it really isn't relaxing to be drilled that I need to take a nap.
I know I do...I read the magazines. Another thing that is not calming, is to be
forced to lie in bed for a "nap", while the kids and life are continueing right
on the other side of my bedroom door and some one is whispering/yelling,
"SHHHH, YOUR MOM IS TRYING TO TAKE A NAP", trust me the kids don't bother me you
voice does.

5. Please don't ask me if I'm feeling alright.
Because I don't, and I won't until the baby is born.

6. Promising a foot rub and/or back rub.....
then falling asleep before I can get out of the shower. Somebody has a death
wish.

7. My least favorite of all!!!!!! Don't ask me what I am going to do after the
baby is born! True I have three kids, and after the baby is born I will have
four. You know what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna be. Just like I did when one kid
became two, then three, now four....I'll survive thank you very much!

I would just like to say that I love the Sushi Ladies at HEB. They never judge me when I buy a Spicy Tuna Roll and drink a cup of coffee. Thank you Sushi ladies. You and your delicious mercury are one of the few things I get to enjoy right now.

a bird indoos is good luck right?

I'm at the airport and thank goodness for the invention of Black Berry. This has been the smoothest check-in in a long time. No lines, and I wasn't "randomly selected". I did start feeling my eyes tear up when I started to think about Enso. I miss him already. He's in good hand. Many hands. Were boarding the plan now, I got my water. Ready to go......When I started typing this it was the present, now it is the past. I've been home now for one full month. We've all been home! this is a good thing, it's a really good thing! How like most of my writings I will go back and forth...past and present...I will inform you.

So back to the day I flew back to Nevada from Texas. I went home for one week. That week went by so fast. Doctors appointments, bills, house, spending time with the husband,attempting to hang out with the girlfriends, trying to keep it together and not cry when ever I thought about the kids, and getting reading to fly back to Las Vegas. Zoom, the week went by and I had to say good by to my husband and my baby. I knew that I was not going to loose my baby Enso and I my husband was by my side, but just the fact that I had to leave him killed me. I had to leave my son in Texas to attempt to get my older son and daughter in Las Vegas. I felt so alone.
However, like I said it was the smoothest check at the airport that I ever had. Although I terribly missed my Enso, it was a little bit easier to check in with out having to hold Enso on one hip, trying to take off our shoes and jackets, and what every ridiculous request the airport request. I also didn't have any stairs of pity or annoyance having a small child with me on the airplane. It kinda felt weird, to be honest. I made a decision to just soak in the quite time. When do I ever get it and when will I every get again. I bought my self an over priced cross word puzzle book. I believe it was called My Posh Cross Word Puzzle. It was very pretty and bright, and it made me feel good. So yes I spent 10 bucks on a cross word puzzle book. I loaded the plan and tried to go to sleep. Didn't happen. I stopped in Denver, reloaded the plan to take me to Las Vegas, which I like to call the Devil for right now. I had to sit between two skanks. Yes I said skanks. They just reminded me of the kids step mother, with their "I know huhs" and "Stuuuuupid" East L.A talk. And all I kept thinking about this trash is around my kids. Alas we landed and I entered Las Vegas Airport for the first time ever. Holy crap was I ever confused. I felt like a country pumkin that just landed into the big city. I just say people and lights and sex and alcohol and more sex and sex and sex. It was on all the billboards on the way down the escalators and out the doors. I walked out side with my one little carry on and smelled the night air, filled with freshness, sweat, and . I remembered I closed my eyes and took a secret deep breath just to see if I could get a taste of the nicotine that I gave up a year and half ago and during the whole ordeal with Carlos wanted to take a drag so very bad.
I made it. I made it in one piece, and I was ready to take on Carlos in court.